We're Number 1!

We did it!

Congratulations to the people of my fine city. Last night we reached an exciting milestone: 100 murders!

And it’s not even April yet.

It took a lot for us to get here, of course.

When I was a young boy, playing on the streets here, there would be the occasional fight. We did it the sissy way, though. There would be punching, wrestling, yelling and then someone would run home in tears.

Then the next day, all would be forgotten. We’d play in the streets again, and the two people who had been slapping each other would most likely be on the same team, no memory of why there were fisticuffs the day before.

And then in school, boy did we drop the ball. Sometimes guys would “challenge” each other to a fight in the playground. The other guys would gather around and watch, take sides, make lunchroom bets on who was going to win.

As we got older, those classroom disagreements would lead to payback in the athletic arenas. There would be a little extra oomph during tackling drills in football, maybe a dirty shot on the ice in hockey, and then, like with the street fights, all would be forgiven later in the locker room.

Nowadays though, people get right to the point.

Forget the fighting. Let’s just kill each other.

What, in my day, would be an animated argument, now turns into a shoot out.

In school, kids don’t resort to more tradition means of anger management, they pop a cap into each others asses.

And then there are the witnesses, the honorable witnesses, the ones who wouldn’t dare damage their own or anyone else’s street cred.

No snitchen’!

Amen, that’s the way to keep our murderous streak alive.

It takes a lot for a city with the 6th largest population in the country to have more murders than any other American city. New York has more than 4 times as many people as this city, but we’re kicking their asses! L.A., Chicago, you call yourselves cities? HAH. I spit on your lack of deadly violence.

We’re so good at it, we share the fun with the uninvolved. Kids, mothers, little old ladies, don’t worry, just because you aren’t packing heat, selling drugs, or giving dirty looks, you still have a good chance of taking part in the killing, of course, by being on the receiving end.

See, we’re generous here. Our shooters aren’t stingy with bullets or aim, they fire enough lead to share.

Fuck you Detroit, our people love the killin’ and we’re making sure we’re the best.